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Matt Bahr
post Jan 30 2015, 04:15 AM
Post #1


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Elvis was sittin' there munching away on a damn old peanut butter and banana sandwich stopping occasionally only to sip on some crappy chocolate milk.

It was a calm, partly cloudy day and Mr. Banana Breath sat at a small bus stop near the park which strangely had no graffiti anywhere around it.

Suddenly out of nowhere this dumb moron appeared with 100% of their focus directed at the stupid little screen on their fucking phone gadget thing. Bruises and scrapes and cuts and open bloody wounds littered the dumb moron's naked body.

Why naked ?

Well, the fucking idiot was Twittering and Twatting at such a fantastic pace that clothes were completely overlooked.

Why the bruises, scrapes, cuts, and open bloody wounds ?

Well, the fucking idiot wasn't aware of the surroundings or the constant falling down or any of the impalement whatsoever. That fucking idiot missed all the cool colored clouds of fantastic shapes which were hanging out in the sky. That fucking idiot didn't have a clue that there was a squirrel with a huge penis chasing around a couple of girl squirrels in the big beautiful tree that was right there.

Elvis saw it all. He finished his sandwich. Grabbed another.

"Nice rhinestones Elvis," a passerby commented.

"Thank-you, thank-you very much," he replied as he took the first bite out of the next sandwich.

The fucking idiot leaned against the pole while clicking away at that stupid little keyboard.

Some dude strolled up and sat down next to Elvis.

"Nice rhinestones stranger," he commented.

"Thank-you, thank you very much," Elvis replied as he took a sip of crappy chocolate milk.

The dude was dressed up just like Willie Wonka. He didn't look at all like Willie Wonka in his face or the size of his body or demeanor though, he just dressed like him. But the funny thing about it was that the dude didn't know who the hell Willie Wonka was at all nor had the dude every set foot inside of a chocolate factory and had most certainly never enslaved or even met an oompa loompa. The dude just bought some clothes that he thought looked cool and that felt comfortable to him so thats what he went with. Everyone who ever came across the dude thought to themselves that the dude dressed just like Willie Wonka, but nobody ever said anything about it to him and so he never even heard the name Willie Wonka. Though tragically and ironically enough, about eight years after sitting next to Elvis at a bus stop, he would be run over by a drunken off-duty oompa loompa.

"Those clouds over there look like God shat out a Rainbow n' Peach Fuzz smoothie," the Willie Wonka dressin' fella said.

"Yeah," agreed Elvis.

"And that squirrel up there in that tree is hung like Ron Jeremy," he continued.

"Yep."

"Do you think there's any hope for that stupid fucking idiot Twattering away over there ?"

Elvis paused for a moment and then leaned in all dramatic like. "How the fuck should I know man, I'm not even alive."

A couple of the squirrels got impregnated.



THE END
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