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post Jan 28 2007, 11:27 PM
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Sacred Admin

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The Winner of Contest #1 was anarcho-redneck


Sacred Cow Essay Writing Contest #2
Subject: Meaning of 72 Virgins
Contest Deadline: February 2nd, 2007


I have had many people joke about the idea of getting 72 virgins in trade for committing an act of martyrdom or fighting in the cause of Allah. On a recent network TV show about Heaven, Barbara Walters interviewed a suicide bomber whose bomb turned out to be a dud, he said the translation of "72 virgins" is like saying "Hundreds" of virgins"...

Question for this Contest:

"What is the real meaning of 72 virgins?"

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Contest Prize: Killar-Khristmas-Konspiracy-Pack + Last White Hope T-Shirt + Joe Rogan Belly of the Beast VHS

The winner of this contest will also get their essay posted on the Sacred Cow website along with a photograph of themselves showing off their new SCP gear!

Sacred Cow Essay Writing Contest Rules
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Dr. Death
post Feb 1 2007, 11:47 AM
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Ultra Flaming Death Cow

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What is the real meaning of 72 virgins?

"Each time we sleep with a houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [ie Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas."

Al-Suyuti, 16th Century Orthodox Muslim theologian

Though the unfettered, gratifitory appeal undoubtedly ensued by that of eternal erections and appetizing vaginas may be too side-strickingly, dumbfoundingly, gloriously brimming with beautiful prominence for some to second guess such a grandiose portrayal of one’s celesensual patriarchal brownie-point badge redemption system; let us delve further shall we? Why, be it with appetizing vaginas in play one scarcely need tell the good doctor twice! Hold close unto me thus reader, such truths must be uncovered, they must be grasped and squeezed and fully inspected as some succulent fruit; penetrated to their very center for the intellectual qualities held within their folds. Heed my call, come with me dear reader, let us come together, let us venture forth on a magical journey, digging deep into the splayed contents of fact and myth. It will be kick-ass.

A houri refers to that of a dark-eyed, pure, female being. According to The Koran all good Muslim “Slaves of God” will be rewarded with seventy-two of them when they enter heaven along with eighty-thousand servants. Eighty-thousand. Yeah. Considering these guys are mastered by a horny towel-rod with a perpetual boner and a lion’s share of divinely spawned sex nymphets, I’m betting they see a lot of downtime. Anyway, as it would turn out, blowing yourself up into a million perfume-oiled, fleshy pieces isn’t a pre-requisite. What it is, however, is an “honorable death” and a clever little shortcut to ensure the prize of your worldly/unworldly desires. Leave it to human ingenuity to find a loophole.

Here’s the catch though- the ancient texts all state “seventy-two hurs”- nothing is mentioned of “seventy-two houris”. Accordingly, this is seen as some sort of typographical error or misinterpretation as the case might be by those who would choose to do so… What is a hur you ask? Well seeing as the Islamic heaven is often referred to as a garden this would make a little more sense- A hur is interpreted as, in a great many instances of it appearance in The Koran, (get this) a white raisin. That’s right, seventy-two (or a much larger, countless number depending on who you ask) damn raisins. Nothing is mentioned of a juice box and a bib. Of course, white raisins were considered a high delicacy in the ancient Arabic world. Chaste young women or pale, dried-up, wrinkled fruits; allow me to let you draw your own conclusions on that one.

"I am the master... AND the commander." -Shake
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