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Farrelltron
post Apr 2 2014, 01:45 AM
Post #1


calf
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Ninja Bachelor Party
Written by Bill Hicks & Kevin Booth
Directed by Kevin Booth, Bill Hicks & David Johndrow
1991



In the beginning there was light, and it was very bright, it warmed the whole planet and there were thousands and billions and billions of people born and all of them lived and flourished and a lot of them had to leave the inner city to find sanctuary in the out-lying areas, known as The Suburbs. One such boy who grew up in this area, was a very bright boy but suffered an addiction, a terrible affliction, and the only way he could find a balance to his harmonious inner yin and yang, dark and light, positive/negative polarities was a ancient Chinese method known as Karate, or Ninja warrior ship and his name was uhhh hmm wasnít it... (knock knock knock)


Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Clarence! Clarence! Your mush is runny and cold to the touch, now come on!
Clarence Mumford: Be right there Mom! (smashes mirror)


NINJA BACHELOR PARTY


Clarence Mumford: Morniní Dad, Morniní Mom.
Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Clarence, whatís that bandage on your hand? Whatíd you do to your hand baby?
Clarence Mumford: Umm, I think I just slept on it wrong thatís all.
Buzz Mumford: Oh, thatís a bunch of flooey, heís up there practisiní that karate!
Clarence Mumford: Well uh, speakiní of karate, I have real high hopes upon becoming a ninja warrior.
Buzz Mumford: Sweet lamb
Clarence Mumford: No really, I think it would be a fine career for me!
Mrs. Buzz Mumford: I wish I was never born to hear the words that are spewing out of my sonís mouth at this breakfast table this morniní!
Buzz Mumford: Ha uh uh, good one, first of all son, there is no market for beiní a ninja. Look at the index, theyíre down point ten and twenty percent this year! Theyíre down two percent from last year!
Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Good one Buzz, you tell him the truth and you tell him loud and clear! First of all son, I am so disappointed in you and Iím hurtiní, hurtiní bad! If my ears could bleed, theyíd BLEED BLOOD!
Buzz Mumford: And Iíll be there to squab Ďem up and blame you my son!
Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Blood would spout out of my ears like a plasma sprinkler and I would water the earth with my own dissatisfaction!
Buzz Mumford: Good one woman, Speak! Hold nothing back on your offspring!
Mrs. Buzz Mumford: And on that day, the world would rise, full of blood, and there would be only me, an empty carcass, floatiní, thinkiní about the son that disappointed me so!
Buzz Mumford: Ninja Warrior! Of all the flooey, of all the hoo la la! Must be the Robutussin talkiní! Cause this doesnít sound right to me!
Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Son, Iím worried about you. You been drinkiní that Robutussin and your cough was thirteen years ago! I rue the day that I was born that I gave you that cough syrup for which to overcome that itchiness in your throat. Little did I know that it would become a way of life that would spin you out of control like some kind of narcoleptic demon! I JUST RUE THE DAY!!!
Buzz Mumford: Itís like a murder at our table this morniní, A MURDER OF ALL HOPE AND DREAMS!!!
Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Whatís wrong with my baby? Whatís wrong with my baby? WHATíS WRONG WITH MY BABY!!??
Buzz Mumford: Oh Lord, My mush is cold!


Clarence leaves by bicycle on his way to his girlfriend Shotsiís house... Karate Man plays.


Karate Man
Noone knows who I am. Even in my own home I'm a stranger in a strange land.
Noone cares what I say. It's all right, gonna show them all one day.


Clarence arrives at Shotsiís house, dismounts his bike, begins walking up the stairs to her door. (Runs fingers through his hair, pulls ring from his jacket pocket)


Clarence Mumford: Shotsi! Shotsi baby, ya hear? Itís me Clarence, Iíve had a hard day! Honey? Honey? (Opens door) Honey? I need to feel your warm embrace.. Ohhhh maaaannnn!
Shotsi: (In bed with 3 other guys) Clarence!
Clarence Mumford: Ohhh mannn!
Shotsi: What are you doing here? I told you to call me before you came over so I could tell you not to!
Mr. Doom: (burps) Who is this guy?
Shotsi: Thatís Clarence, heís a Robutussin drinker..
Mr. Doom: Clarence? Bring it on sweet meat! Bring it on! Meet Mr. Doom! Huh Ha! Iím gonna bust a cap!


Clarence leaves Shotsiís by bike sporting new bandage on head and travels until he sees a sign on a pole advertising...


Dr. Death M.D.
Ninja Grandmaster
teaching
Physical Fitness
+
Senseless Killings


Clarence removes sign and travels on his bike straight to Dr.Deathís abode.


Iím gonna be a Karate Man..
Whippiní up bad guys, Gettiní chicks with the clap of my hand!
Iím gonna be a Karate Dude..
Takiní care of my body, Eatiní only good food!
Iím gonna be a Karate Chap..
Breakiní boards, while my chick sits in my lap!


Arriving at Dr. Deathís, Clarence knocks before pushing door open, knocking Samurai sword from the door and enters (sounds of chanting and machine gun fire fill the room)...


Clarence Mumford: Hello?
Dr.Death: Postulate yourself and pull out a chair!
Clarence Mumford: Man, this place gives me the creeps, but it does kind of make me feel secure from the icy lime grips of the Robutussin. I feel like I can start a new life here.
Dr.Death: Who are you? Why have you come here?
Clarence Mumford: My name is Clarence Mumford sir, Iím a recuperating Robutussin addict and Iíve come to learn the ways of the ninja.
Dr.Death: (laughing) Clarence Mumford? With a name like that itís no wonder you must learn to defend yourself! (laughs hysterically) God Iím killing me! Well tell me something Clarence, why have you chosen me to teach you the ways of the warrior when there are many ninjas available in the Yellow pages and the White pages and listed throughout the city?
Clarence Mumford: Well there was this neat poster I just happened to see on my way riding my bike..
Dr.Death: (yelling) Ohhh Ohh! Happened to see? Do you not know anything about coincidence? There is no such thing, itís fate and destiny!
Clarence Mumford: Well I just want to learn to fight the way of the ninja is all I want to do..
Dr.Death: (interrupting) Fight! fight! Oh, you want to avenge something! A woman I suppose? Huh?
Clarence Mumford: How did you know?
Dr.Death: Ohhhh, Dr. Death ahhh me, thatís me has been around the plank not once, not twice, well at least twice and I mean it! Iíll show you my resume, twice it says! What do you want to do? (hands Clarence clipboard) You sign this and weíll think about it. I think I can...
Clarence Mumford: Whatís this?
Dr.Death: Ah, itís a little thing saying Iím not responsible for any mayhem or you know any kind of thing if I break something itís not my fault if I do it.
Clarence Mumford: So you saying I have the makings to be a true ninja master?
Dr.Death: Under my tutelage? Are you trying to insult me in my own Do-sun?
Clarence Mumford: I wouldnít ever do that!
Dr.Death: Good! Thatís what I said! As a sign of faith and good trust, shake my hand!
Clarence Mumford: Sure.. (Dr.Death crunches Clarences hand) Ahhhhhh!
Dr.Death: AHAHAHAHA WOOOOOOW! (Crunches and twists Clarenceís hand more)
Clarence Mumford:OWWWWWWWWOOOWWW!
Dr.Death: Realize one thing Mumford, Never trust anyone, not even your own Guru! and exclude all other thoughts but this one from your mind... YOUíRE A LOSER!!!


Clarence leaves Dr. Deathís on his bike, now wearing a sling. Karate Man plays out....


Clarence Mumford: (Narrating) T hat night it took six or seven dosages of the ĎTussin just for me to fall asleep, and man I had the weirdest dream!
Master: (In dream) Clarence? Clarence?
Clarence Mumford: What?
Master: What you doing? Hello? Iím a Ninja Warrior and I live in Korea and Iíve been watching you through an ethereal prism and I must say that I do not like what I see so far. First of all, you got to get off the Robutussin and you must come to Korea, and learn under my tutelage.uhh Just come on, I mean look, pawn that ring from Shotsi, buy a ticket and head to Korea and Iím waiting for you now! Címon letís do it, letís be ninjas címon! Letís do it!


Clarence awakens from dream.. Cut to breakfast table with parents...



Buzz Mumford: We just donít believe it son, not for one second!
Mrs. Buzz Mumford: What? What do you mean to do to me? Raking me over the coals for beiní your Mama? I was your mama long time before you were my son! When you turn on me and try to become a karate man? Why are you doing this to me?


Cuts to Clarence arriving at the airport..


Clarence Mumford: Uh, two bags to Korea sir.
Porter: Whooooaa! Whoo! Korea! The good Lord sent me a travelliní man!
Airline Pilot: This is your Captain, Blaze Tucker, those of you on the right side of the plane if you look out your window, youíll notice Korea.


Clarence walks through field in Korea carrying his two bags looking around...


Clarence Mumford: Wow, Korea! Trees and fields and everything just as I imagined it.


Look of surprise comes across Clarence as he sees his Master sitting on a gnarled tree by a river... Clarence kneels before him.


Master: Oh ho ho Hello again! Remember me from your slumber? No itís real and Iím your Master!
Clarence Mumford: Oh Master! Youíve just gotta help me!
Master: No grovelling.. No grovelling!


Clarence looks up, Master is no longer before him. Master jumps up from behind and hits Clarence with a stick...


Clarence Mumford: Oh maaaan!
Master: Realize one thing Clarence, You must never trust anyone, not even your own Guru! Now Iím heading to the Do-shun.. Hmm? It would behoove you to follow...
Clarence Mumford:Okay.


Master and Clarence begin their journey...


Clarence Mumford:Oh Master youíve got me entertaininí real fond thoughts about this ninja traininí thing. Man, since I met up with you I havenít even thought about Robutussin.. I havenít thought about itís brisk lime flavour or the sticky sweet coatiní a dollop or two puts on the back of my throat. Sometimes I think the trouble with Ďtussin stems from deep inside of me. Sometimes I used to have to do three or four cap loads just to know what that somethiní was, but not anymore cause Iím cured since I met you. Take today for example, I did some and it didnít do nothiní for me! I donít know what I ever saw in that stuff! But I am gettiní kinda thirsty, man maybe just if we could find a pharmacy real quick so I could just get a sip... Just whet my whistle..
Master: (sighs) Clarence, whoa! Whoa little buddy. Korea to Clarence, Korea to Clarence!
Clarence Mumford:What? What man?
Master: Ah yeah, youíre gonna have to let this whole thing go, I uh, I donít know what to tell ya. Youíve frayed my patience, youíve tattered my nerves and I am now going to kick your belly so hard and knock that monkey sky high. You have one mouth and two ears, that means you should listen more than you talk and quit telling me that itís Robutussin! (flies in to kick Clarenceís belly) MONKEY BE GONE!
Clarence Mumford:It refreshes me though!


Master and Clarence carry on on their journey...


Clarence Mumford:Man Iím real appreciative of you kickiní the Tussmonk from my back.
Master: Is that a young ninja I hear talking?
Clarence Mumford:Oh yeah, sweatiní the syrup from my veins.
Master:Ah, spoken like a true Master! (under breath)ĎSides thereís probably not a pharmacy for miles!


Master and Clarence are now seated in a wheat field..


Master:(hands Clarence a pair of pants) These are your holy pants and this is the holy training ground.
Clarence Mumford:Holy cow!
Master:It all happened kind of quick but weíre not done yet!
Clarence Mumford:Oh, thatís neat.
Master:Youíre going to learn, fighting, punching, kicking, breathing, smiling, poetry, then come more food preparation. Iím going to teach you cause I of course, have learned it all. Years ago, when you were just a little boy I was growiní up and... Oh enough about me, letís let the fighting begin!


Cut to Master and Clarence facing eachother standing atop huge hay bales.. Fighting commences...


SHOUT!


Shout! Let it out!
You must be proud!
Kick, or crunch,
Let him feel your punch!
Shout! Let it out!
...Be proud!
Taught to fight, but it's right,
When you've got your master in sight!
Kick, punch, jab, tear his hair out until he grabs you!
Then flip him over and get him an elbow into the jaw!
That's what it's all about!
When you shout! Let it out!
Let him know you care!
Shout! Make your master proud of you and your flair!
You got to kick, punch and beg!
Grovelling in the dirt, it's a game, no shame!
Shout, kick, jump, flip, twist, bark like a dog!
Whatever it takes to win!
Shout!


Master and Clarence now sit cross legged meditating... OHHH III OHHHH III OHHH IIII OHHH... Master claps twice to end the meditation.



Master:Man you were hot out there today! Whoo! Who teaching who?
Clarence Mumford:Thanks.
Master:Ho ho.. (lights long pipe)
Clarence Mumford:Whatís that Master?
Master:(holding back cough) These are Magic Mushrooms, they will be the second part of your training. Thereís more to this than kicking and screaming and punching!
Clarence Mumford:(hesitant) Ah uh uh, Okay.
Master:Here (passes pipe) Suck on this and letís go inside your mind and see what exists in that little head of yours Clarence. (Clarence draws on pipe) Smoke Ďem deep, pull it in and hold it. (Master begins playing sitar)
Clarence Mumford:(Narrating) It seemed as though I had started making all the right choices in life. I had finally found someone I could trust and things were falliní into place. (Starts tripping) Ohh man! These are the right choices?
Master:Clarence, realize one thing, there are no choices, only Universal will and if you can accept that will as your own herein will lie your harmony, and your peace. It is mankindís delusion to believe his will is separate from the Universe!
Clarence Mumford: Not not now Master, Okay?
Master:Good point, check it out man, the walls are breathing! The Do-shunís just taken big gasp of air!


Scene now shifts to Do-shun..


Master:Now Clarence, I want you to hurl these sharp objects at me..
Clarence Mumford: Okay.
Master:Do it, and do it, and and really dig deep when you do it too.
Clarence Mumford: Okay. Okay.
Master: Just throw Ďem hard.. Oh wait! Letís do it blindfolded.
Clarence Mumford: I donít know about that Master, we didnít train for that!
Master: How do you practise this? Just do it! This is going to be great! Throw it like real hard at me!
Clarence Mumford: I donít want to hurt you though!
Master: Iím over by the wall.
Clarence Mumford: (hesitant) Alright!
Master: Dig deep Clarence, I mean really, reach to the ground! You must believe!


Scene now cuts back to Shotsiís apartment...


Mr. Doom: Oh I want him, thatís it! Let the beatings begin!


Cut back to Do-shun..


Master: Are you believing? Those are really sharp! Believe hard!


Cut to Dr. Deathís...


Dr. Death: (laughing)


Back to Do-shun...


Master: Hope itís not my Universal will that I get punctured!


Dr. Deathís...


Dr. Death: Thereís no such thing as coincidence! It was fate and destiny that brought you to my Do-shun!
Clarence Mumford: Well either way Dr. Death, Iíve come to learn that...
Dr. Death: No No let me finish, LET ME FINISH!


Parentís breakfast table...


Buzz Mumford: The seed of my loins what a bad plant it was that night!


Masterís Do-shun...


Master: See the tracers on that death star! Wow!


Parentís breakfast table...


Mrs. Buzz Mumford: Ahh! My own babyís an addict! He hangs over the medicine counter!


Masterís Do-shun...


Master: Oooooooohhhhhh! Gotta get some more of these!
Master & Clarence: (both awaken!) Ohhhhhhh!
Clarence Mumford: Hey, I guess I was ready after all!
Master: You better have been! You better be.. You missed me with that feather duster by THAT much! I mean it!
Clarence Mumford: Sorry!


Cut to Master and Clarence meditating... (Ahhhhhhhhhhh)


Master: Clarence, your training is over, you done great, how do you feel?
Clarence Mumford: Man that was the biggest lizard I ever saw!
Master: Well, I tried. Clarence, for every action thereís a reaction, Cash or Charge?
Clarence Mumford: Uh, do you take Visa?
Master: All credit cards will be acceptable if they are good.(Gets on phone to Visa)
Clarence Mumford: Ah, uh...
Master: Itís a formality!
Clarence Mumford: Iím sure itís good Master!
Master: Hey, Iím a businessman get off my back!
Clarence Mumford: Okay.
Master: Hello, Clarence Mumford?
Visa Rep: Authorization Code 001!
Master: Thank you, we are all love, including you, yes you!


Master Claps twice, Clarence and him begin to meditate again... (Ahhhhhhhhh)


Master: Your training is through and I am outta here! You were wonderful too by the way, really you stood out, Iíve had a bunch of students, youíre one of them. (Pulls car out from behind long wheat chaffs) I think youíre gonna do real good if you just keep believing in yourself and understanding all the things that I told you if you remember them, and I think you should, you paid a hell of a chunk over that.
Clarence Mumford: Oh, thanks Master, but youíre not going to just leave me out here what am I supposed to do now?
Master: (starting to pull away) Clarence, you know what it is you must do! Now come on, get a move on! What are you complaining and whining about? You went through expensive training... (honks as he goes off into the distance, Clarence waving at him)


Clarence, alone now, starts back toward the airport and home cutting across a Korean golf course...
Clarence goes through airport security setting off the metal detector with a throwing star tucked in his pants. He removes it goes back through and gets the throwing star back from security person.


Airport PA System: Our flight 437 will be delayed about 9 hours.. Realize one thing, you can never trust anyone, not even your own airline.


Deathís Lament


I once was a bad man until I saw the light!
Ever since I met you Iíve no desire to fight,
Yes you are the one babe,
The one who opened up my heart!


Doorbell rings at Shotsiís, Shotsi looks over from having sex with Dr. Death to see Clarence bust down the door...


Shotsi: Oh my God!
Dr. Death: Ohhhhhh! Mumford is that a smoke bomb? Thatís my new carpet! What do you mean by coming in here and interrupting me with your girlfriend? The new love of my life, old whatís her name? Oh you gotta be outta your mind buddy, letís do it! Toe to toe, me and you! Come on Mumford! You havenít seen my training really in action yet! EEEEEEYAAAHHH!


Epic fight between Clarence and Dr. Death ensues!


Dr. Death: Ohhh youíre gonna pay for my carpet buddy, youíre gonna pay for my carpet!


Fight continues... Clarence gets in some good shots...


Dr. Death: Ohhh where did you learn that? You learned it from AHHHHHH!


Battle spills outside, Clarence and Dr. Death, arms locked roll down a hill...


Dr. Death: Whoahhh Mumford, Chiggers! Chiggers! Mumford Owww you hit my Gi!
Clarence Mumford: (fighting from handstand position) Man there really are chiggers down here... (kicks cigarette from Dr. Deathís mouth)
Dr. Death: Ohhh that was my last cigarette! (Picks up log and throws it at Clarence) Come on Mumford, give me your best shot, letís see it! (Gets kicked by Clarence) Hey ow!


Fight continues until finally Clarence knocks Dr. Death to the ground and stands over him...


Clarence Mumford: Realize one thing Dr. Death, I waive all responsibility upon any kind of injury that may come to you!
Dr. Death: (Grabbing handful of dirt) I wonder if he ever saw this Bonanza episode!
Clarence Mumford: Uhh I just missed one.. (Dr.Death throws dirt in his face)
Dr. Death: Aha! You missed the wrong one Mumford! (Clarence is writhing on the ground, hands to his eyes) Itís the one where Little Joe and Hoss were gonna go on the.. Oh forget it Youíre still a loser!! (Dr. Death runs off and Clarence gets up following in hot pursuit)
Clarence Mumford: Come back here Dr. Death Iím off the Robutussin and Iím gonna come after you man!


Battle now shifts to the city...


Dr. Death: Come on Mumford, Come on! Ow! Those were my glasses! Come on! (Dr. Death sees that the ďwalkĒ sign is about to change to ďdonít walkĒ) Hey Mumford look, A pharmacy!
Clarence Mumford: Where?
Dr. Death: (Having successfully distracted Clarence, Dr. Death breaks across the street, disregarding the ď donít walkĒ sign) Aaaaahahahahaha!
Clarence Mumford: (Abiding traffic laws, Clarence must wait as Dr. Death runs off ahead with disregard for the law or his own safety) Dr. Death! Itís all in the past, you believe me donít you? Come back here Dr. Death!
Dr. Death: (With a little bit of a lead on Clarence, Dr. Death has time to muse to himself while running) Wow heís gettiní pretty tough! Maybe I should get off the Robutussin too! Oh man, But I still got a few tricks up my sleeve! (Ducks inside doorway where Clarence jumps out at him) Oh God youíre tricky! (Dr. Death manages once again to get ahead of Clarence and finds his way into a hotel)
Front Desk Clerk:Yo head man, you gonna have to sign in!
Dr. Death: Oh God, formality!
Front Desk Clerk:(On phone) Listen Shotsi, Iím gonna have to let you go, you would not believe the characters we got in here, aíight Iíll call you later.
Dr. Death: (Signing in) Dr. Life, thatíll throw him off.. Thanks buddy!
Clarence Mumford: (Entering hotel lobby) Hey man, you see that Dr. Death come through here?
Front Desk Clerk: I aíint seen nothiní til you get a shirt on and listen, I aíint in the mood for this, I just aíint in the mood! I been workiní here twenty years puttiní my entire family through college and you ninjas come in here fightiní! Youíre gonna ruin it!
Dr. Death: (Waiting for elevator) Yeah, thatís great, write a letter trust me! (Gets in elevator but Clarence shows up just as doors are closing and pries them open. Dr. Death is reading a magazine which covers his face but he is the only one in the elevator and it doesnít take long for Clarences quick wit to determine it is him, Clarence rips the magazine away) AHHHHH! Mumford I was reading that! Oh come on Mumford Iím gonna kick your head in like a melon! Iím gonna splatter your brains all over this..(Both Dr. Death and Clarence look over and notice that a hotel security guard is standing right beside them, They shake hands like they are buddies) Oh Clarence! Hi How are ya? My old buddy I didnít notice him there.. (Clarence and Dr. Death team up to get rid of the security guard and resume fighting)
Security Guard: (Falling down in elevator after beating) Wait until I tell Shotsi this....


Dr. Death breaks for it again and Clarence again follows after him...


Clarence Mumford: Iíll get you anyways Dr. Death, since I kicked the Robutussin Iím a new man!


Dr. Death once again gets ahead of Clarence and decides to stop at a cigarette machine to get smokes...


Dr. Death: Ugh oh God I canít believe I got into this, I cannot believe this guy, man! A Robutussin addict of all things! (Starts putting coins into cigarette machine) Oh God! Some kind of poor drug addict chasing me down the street like an animal! Some kind of pathetic addicted.. Where is it? Where are my cigarettes? WHERE ARE MY CIGARETTES!!! Oh God, heís pretty tough. Okay just chill out, chill out I think I lost him now... All we do is get another plane outta here, we sell the Dojo, head back to Korea and then weíre alright, right? Everythingís cool hahahahaha! Oh man.. ( Sees Clarence approaching) Ahhhhhhh! Oh geez!
Clarence Mumford: Ticklingís gone from my throat! (Chases Dr. Death onto hotel rooftop)
Dr. Death: Thatís it Mumford, nowhere left for you to run! (Clarence kicks Dr. Death several times, inching him closer and closer to the edge of the roof) Hey! Iíve got you right where I want you! Iíve got you right where I want you Mumford! (Clarence kicks and chops Dr. Death over the side of the hotel where he now hangs) Whoa! Mumford letís talk! Letís talk! It was all a party! It was a surprise party Mumford! Shotsi set it up! Y-You didnít stay long enough for the SURPRIIIIIIISEEEE!!! (Dr. Death falls from the rooftop)
Clarence Mumford: (Looking down as Dr. Death falls) AAACHHHA!
Dr. Death: (Falling) Look Mumford a pharmacy!
Clarence Mumford: Where? (Dr. Death falls into hotel pool sending a splash up that reaches Clarence on the roof, Clarence runs down to the pool) Dr. Death? Dr. Death? The ĎTussinís in the past.. (Dr. Death rises out of the pool surprising Clarence and pulls him in)
Dr. Death: Ahhhhhhh! Youíve gotta cut it out! Youíre in denial Mumford and Iím sick of it! YOUíVE GOTTA LET THE WALL COME DOWN! (pool fight goes on with unintelligable argument about Robutussin... Clarence and Dr. Death run out of the pool into the hotel laundromat) Ah Mumford Iím freezing! (They get into separate dryers) Oh Mumford Iíve got the sniffles! MUMFORD! IíVE GOT THE SNIFFLES!!! (Now fresh and dry more ninja action goes on) Come on Mumford, Come on, I want ya, I want ya, letís see it! Come on gimme your best shot! Ouch! Mumford come on give it to me! Come on this is your best?
Clarence Mumford: I havenít even thought about Robutussin, not once!
Dr. Death: QUIT TALKINí ABOUT ROBUTUSSIN!!! IíM GONNA KILL YOU MUMFORD!


Back at Shotsiís Clarence enters and looks for Dr. Death only to have Dr. Death appear in the window behind him holding a large knife to Shotsiís throat...


Dr. Death: Ahhhhhahahahahahahaha! (Shotsi bites his arm) Ow! Bitch! Alright Mumford it looks like Iíve got you over the proverbial barrel! And what a soft, curvaceous barrel it is!
Clarence Mumford: Schwinn, schwinn, schwinn...
Dr. Death: Ahhh nothing will help you now!
Voice of Master:Clarence, Clarence, Your Visa did not clear! Iím out sixty bucks, whatís the news? Come on tell me about it!
Clarence Mumford: Oh man, oh man, oh man (Throws smoke bomb and is suddenly riding full speed at Dr. Death on his bike)
Dr. Death: Ahhhhh Mumford!


Clarence hits Dr. Death with his bike splitting him in half and splattering blood all over Shotsi and Shotsi immediately leaps into Clarences arms...


Shotsi: Clarence! My hero!
Dr. Death: (On death bed whispers with his last breath) Rosebud.
Shotsi: Heís a doctor! Dr. Death disappears) Huh? Huuuuh?
Clarence Mumford: (Master appears where Dr. Death once lay) Master!? Master!!
Master: It is I!
Clarence Mumford: Master!!
Master: Itís me! Get off it! There is one thing you must do...
Clarence Mumford: (Drops Shotsi) Awww Man! Damn!
Master: THAT WAS IT!!! Youíre a ninja! You are a ninja!
Clarence Mumford: Oh really? (Steps on Shotsi on his way to see Master)
Master: Clarence, youíve made me so proud, youíve done it, youíve passed everything shake my hand. Hereís a gift, you it, youíre the one!
Clarence Mumford: Well itís a proud day! (sweet handshake)
Master: (Narrating) Well, thatís it. Thatís all she wrote. Weíve seen the story so many times and it never gets old really, does it? Itís such a happy ending and you know itís the story of all mankind. You can do it too if you just believe! Clarence I am so proud of you today, you have exceeded my farthest expectations, you have reached for the stars. You have grabbed the nunchuks and hurled Dr. Death into the abyss where he belongs... (Scene now cuts to show Master in bed with Shotsi) and all doubt. Shotsi not now, Listen Iím very serious and esoteric at this point. The uh.. thereís nothing to be feared, thereís no way, Shotsi Iím going to take your eyes out and stomp em. Ahhh, we uhh we all have a duality but you know Iíve overcome it long ago and Iíve accepted my darkness. Thatís the thing, Youíve gotta accept it, roll with it man. I mean you canít fight it because if you fight it.. (Shotsi goes under the covers) Whoa! Iím telling you, thereís another person in this bed thatís accepted her darkness as well. I hope youíve learned something from this story cause Iíve learned a ton and just living through it has been a miracle. Iím kidding you, Remember! Love is all there is and enough talk of it, letís show eachother love....


CREDITS ROLL


HOW DOES IT FEEL?


Clarence youíre a ninja now, How does it feel?
(Tell us how it feels!)
Youíve discovered that your secret dreams are real...
(Are they really real?)
Clarence, Youíve done it and Iím proud of you son..
You whooped Dr. Death and you whipped Robutusson.
A new star shines in the sky tonight with your name written on it.
Clarence youíve earned your place in the celestial roll call when itís done.
Clarence your a ninja now, How does it feel?
(Howís the ninja feeliní?)
You get all the chicks with a kick of your heels..
(Chicks come running!)
Iím speechless, I donít know what there is to say anymore..
You burst down deathís door and you took him to the floor.
Clarence, youíve gone so far!
Clarence, youíre the brightest star!
Clarence, youíve done so much, thereís not enough time to tell it so letís just ROCK!
(Roooooooooooooocccccccckkkk Yeah!)


THE NEWS TODAY


Do you believe it? The news today!
Clarence is a ninja, and heís here to staaaay!
Do you believe that? The news today!
Clarence is a ninja, and heís here to staaaay!


This transcription provided by Farrell McLaughlin 2010
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