[Light]

You know the kind of person who says that they call a spade a spade as an example of their blunt nature? I fucking hate them. If you’re plain speaking, why the hell are you using a euphemism to tell us that? Personally, I’m the sort of person who calls a spade a fucking mud shoveller. It’s the sort of trait that makes it easy to make friends and really rather difficult to keep them. That always used to concern me. I ended up being tested for all sorts of psychiatric ailments, from Aspergers to Social Anxiety to Bipolar Depression. It was good news though; turns out I’m just a really unpleasant, rude prick.

Has anyone seen that Jim Carrey film, Liar Liar? It’s one of his face films. You know, where his face should get the credit for all the stretching and gurning it does because lord knows there isn’t much genuine acting going on? Anyway, the idea is that he is physically compelled to tell the truth no matter how disadvantageous to him the situation is. I think it was aiming to be satirical. You know; one of those “Wouldn’t it be wacky if this were really happening, but wouldn’t it also be ultimately rewarding if everyone had to be like this the whole time” sort of things. Frankly I think it would lead to a global suicide epidemic if politicians told us the truth. The very reason we keep electing them is because we know they’re going to gently spoon some piping hot lies into our eager brains so that we’re reassured that tomorrow will be much the same as today. If they showed up on Question Time telling us that the world is a fabulous place for the fabulously wealthy and that they couldn’t give the faintest shit about the 95% of statistically irrelevant, wholly uninteresting people who make up the rest of the world because they’re far too busy trying to get fabulously wealthy themselves...you might think that would make people angry, but what if EVERYONE had to tell the truth all the time? I don’t think that would lead to a revolution or anything. If everyone had to tell the truth, most people would shrug and say “Yeah, he has a point; there is nothing worthwhile about our lives and I don’t blame him for being a money grubbing slug. Shit, the moral outrage I should perhaps feel at this point is almost entirely generated by my seething jealousy that they can claim outlandish expenses for second homes whilst I can’t. Actually, I’m probably just as much of a morally reprehensible moon faced tit as him, only he has the power and influence to do it on a grander scale. I don’t know what upsets me more; my naked envy of a parasitic shitcake baker, or my sense of screeching powerlessness to do anything about it. After you with the noose Bob.”

Anyway, I quite liked that film because the curse of truth telling that he suffers for a single day is pretty much the story of my life. I can’t help saying whatever occurs to me, as is quite probably demonstrated by the bitter little rant you’ve just endured (well done by the way). Not in a tourettes way or anything like that. More’s the pity as I could probably get away with that nowadays. Say what you like about Big Brother, but it’s legitimised Tourettes Syndrome. And transsexuals. How many pious articles in the Guardian can claim to have done that? No, I don’t just shout out “cockbutter!” or “fucktoads!” in a crowded supermarket whilst twitching and hooting. It’s more like...dyou know when a kid decides that they want to know about everything and the horrid little bastards say “Why?” in response to everything you tell them in a manner so drip-drip-drip fucking infuriating that you start actively hoping that they get abducted by an especially randy paedophile so you’ll get a few minutes peace? That’s me, but with added colourful language and a knack for phrasing a question in a way just guaranteed to make someone think I’m a sarcastic, condescending, petty little man. Which I am, but that’s besides the point.

I’ll give you an example. When I was 8, my friend Ross’ older brother died of Leukaemia. I know, great subject for comedy. When his mother was eulogising him for being such a kind, loving son I piped up with “No he wasn’t. He used to bully me.” I know, how pathetic am I? I got pushed around by a bald, pasty, spindly kid with a low white blood cell count. Get in line ladies, I’m ALL man. My words of comfort to my friend? “You’ll miss him but at least you can have all his toys.”

It’s that gift for diplomacy that has seen me, in my time, loudly proclaim to the managing director of the company I worked for that the big boys in the boardroom would pull her pigtails and try to fuck her. And enquire of a charming young lady who was kind enough to take me back to her bedroom at University if she could possibly pop her wonderbra back on as without it her tits looked like soft boiled eggs in a football sock. And throw a bottle at a friend’s head when he asked me to give him a shock to cure his hiccups. To be fair, on that occasion his hiccups were completed cured. By his ensuing unconsciousness.

They’re the most extreme examples, but it happens on a daily basis. When someone is complaining to me at great length about their boss, it seems that no matter how many times I say “Well why don’t you just tell them to fuck off?”, people still don’t get that this isn’t an example of my brusque nature. It’s an honest, genuine suggestion. I’m trying to be helpful. Ditto for people complaining about their other half. Although to be completely fair, I do tend to dilute the whole “searing honesty” thing when it comes to attractive women complaining about their boyfriends on the offchance that I can steer the conversation round to them wanting to sleep with me. In that respect at least I have something in common other men. Also, ladies? If you’re going to complain about your stomach cramps within earshot then by GOD you’d better be ready for me to ask you about your period, bloodflow, coppery smells, and clotting.

People think I’m just taking the piss when I’m like that but I’m not. I’m either being curious or I’m being honest. Show me where “honest” has to mean “nice” for gods sake. But people always say that they value honesty. Politicians and the media are regularly decried for lies, spin, treachery and deceit and yet I am routinely called a cunt for being honest. Sounds to me more like we get annoyed when the lies we want to believe are pointed out to be an intricately constructed fountain of effluent and sanitary waste rather than getting upset at being lied to.

[FunkBone]

This is comedy?

[Light]

He's back and he's as constructive as ever. Hello Funkbone.

[FunkBone]

He's evading the question as usual. Hello Light.

[Light]

He's evading the question as usual. Hello Light.

What is this, whatever you say that's what I'm not? Thank you for using the phrase I've employed most frequently at you when you're making stuff up off the top of your head and passing it off as fact. It's good to know I've had an impact on you. The answer to your initial question can be found by simply checking whcih forum this is posted in. What, do you expect everyone to do everything for you? Are you some sort of...socialist?

How was the touring?

[FunkBone]

I sang karaoke in Little Korea.

[Light]

If you sang Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand, have a drink from me.

[Dr. Death]

Boy, when the Light shines he really shows you all he can...

Look man, I take objection; calling a spade a spade has it's implications. You know those people who will, for all intents and purposes, essentially agree with you over something, but will mince words over semantics just to be difficult? I fucking hate them. Telling them to "call a spade a spade" in the right context can be the wake up call they need — or not — sometimes the spade must be applied in a violent matter upside the head. Of course you can also say "A rose by any other name" if you're a real elegant motherfucker like me.

That reminds me of another Jim Carey movie that was on last night: Me, Myself and Irene. Carey himself is quite a tolerable distraction when the film isn't showcasing it's real gems... The black kids! Man, I forgot about how truly fresh and funny it is to see three genius-level-intellect teenagers talking in foul-mouthed ebonics.

Shonte Jr.: Anybody know how to fly this damn thing?
Jamaal: Motherfucker, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation.
Lee Harvey: Yeah, man, get your head out your ass.
Shonte Jr.: It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole.
Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you speak German don't you?
Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good.
Jamaal: [Grabs instruction book] You a motherfuckin' disgrace!

Now that's comedy, FunkBone.

[Light]

There are countless life lessons to be learned via the medium of Jim Carrey movies. If only more people saw that he is the truth and the way.

Cheers Doc. Much obliged.

[erin]

You're right... it does smell coppery. Surprised I never made that connection.