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[FunkBone]

I have contributed to the delinquency of my government. I am sorry.

[Light]

An American evangelist, Pat Robertson, said that the Haitian earthquake was divine vengeance on the Haitians for making a pact with the devil to get rid of the French 200 years ago. Now whilst I applaud his attempt to try and blame a natural disaster on something other than the gays, I think he’s being a little bit too esoteric here. For one thing, who wouldn’t cut a deal with Satan if it meant getting rid of the French? Referring to a revolution against Napoleon Bonaparte’s French Forces in the early 1800s isn’t going to cut it with a lot of evangelicals. I can’t really imagine that they find too much room in their lives for the minutiae of world history when they’re so busy dealing with the tiny voice in their brains that incessantly asks “So, you’re using the teachings of peace, love, and brotherhood of a Jewish hippy from 2000 years ago to explain why you really hate pretty much everyone, particularly hippies and Jews? Are you sure about this mate? Really?” and drowning out said voice by baa-ing out endless litanies about God and country and family and certainly not two men cupping each other’s lovely balls.

But yeah, 200 years ago; that sort of means God has got a bit behind on his to-do list. He created the earth in 7 days but apparently, a revolution against a short arsed dictator with a penchant for suppositories doesn’t really carry that much urgency. Or at least, not enough to make Him want to actually rain his furious vengeance on the people who actually did the deed. Maybe He thought getting their great great grandchildren would be the thing to really hammer the message home about rebelling against murderous despots? And why does Pat Robertson have such a hard-on for Napoleon anyway?! Last time I checked, the evangelicals in America HATED the French! Now they’re either saying that they really really like great totalitarian atheists from history, or that God is belatedly kicking the shit out of anyone who has pissed France off. Doesn’t that mean that in another 200 years, America is going to hear an unearthly beastial roar from sea to shining sea, a roar that freezes the bowels of everyone who hears it and robs them of their will to fight? A roar that will, once it quiets, be followed by an eldritch voice bellowing “I’ll fucking show you a thing or two about cheese eating surrender monkeys you fucking ARSEHOLES!” to an audience of horrified and utterly bemused Americans? If it is true, then we, the English, are FUCKED! I really don’t think it’ll be much consolation when God gets round to apologising to us after all the good work we did in WW2. It does make you wonder, if the hardcore godbotherers are broadening their choice of scapegoats, who is next?

“This typhoon was God’s wrath visited upon the Iranians for Xerxes’ attack upon the city states of Greece!”

“This volcano erupted as a sign of God’s displeasure about the Wars of the Roses!”

“This tsunami was a clear indication that God thinks My Name Is Earl should never have been cancelled!”
 

Maybe I’ve got it wrong. Maybe the evangelists have a chart dictating who gets blamed for natural disasters...



There are different categories according to location because as everyone knows, God doesn’t careas much about foreigners. As you can see, the gays shoulder a good chunk of the blame for everything. Although I have to say, I think it would’ve been much easier had God just created a race of people who didn’t want to occasionally have sex with people of the same gender. Maybe he did it by accident. I know I’ve used cumin when I was supposed to have used paprika when I’ve been cooking. So it could be that instead of universal tolerance, he added bumming to the mix for a laugh.

Only earthquakes remain free of gaysociation in the eyes of evangelists. That’s because no homosexuals died in the great San Francisco quake in the early 1900s. That’s a fact, you can look it up. Interestingly, floods are the only thing on the list that are universally caused by gayness. I don’t know why that is. Maybe evangelists think homosexuals are soluble. And contraception is the only other category to appear more than once. That’s something that really seems to annoy them isn’t it? What’s so ungodly about a woman waging chemical warefare on her ovaries or a man sticking a little rubber bag on the end of his cock? If God was really so opposed to contraception, and bearing in mind that God is omniscient and these shitwits don’t believe in evolution, surely he’d would’ve designed us so a big spike shot out your bell at the moment of orgasm so as to puncture the condom? Jesus turned water into wine, so I can’t believe that turning all the world’s contraceptive pills into smarties would be much of a stretch for him.

But it’s weird what people take from the news. Nowadays, it wouldn’t be a world disaster if it wasn’t immediately used by hippies to have pop at the west in general and America in particular for being equal measures beastly, horrid, and mean. They’re currently getting shit for the way they’ve steamed into Haiti and taken control of the relief effort. Give them a fucking break, they must be delighted to finally be able to send their military forces into a small country and not have to worry about thousands of angry bearded gentlemen forming orderly mobs eager to shoot them or blow them up. Although with the American track record on these things, I confidently expect to see the Haiti branch of Al Quaida open within a week.

[Nedak]

Did you write all of that Light? Fucking hilarious.

[Light]

I did, and thank you very much. Much appreciated.

[Nedak]

I posted it on my forums.


Much love.

[Light]

Nice. Hope it gets a good reaction. Or, tbh, just a reaction. That'd do me.

[FunkBone]

Like a summer sausage.